When we see an old couple sitting on a bench, holding hands and smiling at each other after decades, we can’t help but grin and secretly wish for that kind of connection ourselves. We see two people who were lucky enough to find the right partner. But what we should really see are two people who chose each other and who still value each other so much that they want to spend their time together.
Having a relationship is easy. You find someone you’re somewhat attracted to (sometimes not even that), and you play the tennis match of “I’ll stay on my side of the court, and you stay on yours. The entire court we call love and relationship, and if we have kids, they can play on both sides.” The rules are clear and predictable, providing us with a sense of security. So, we cling to these rules and make sure our partner never crosses over to our side—except during sex. Power games, violence, jealousy, disrespect, and dishonesty are tools we use—often unconsciously—to enforce these rules.
These are the rules we know, so they give us security. But just because we know (and even define) the rules doesn’t mean we’ll win the Wimbledon of relationship tennis. Something keeps us together despite the games, manipulation, and sometimes even violence and betrayal. For some, it’s habit; for others, it’s family pressure or societal stigma (“You’re single? I’m sorry”). And so, we live our lives, both on their side of the court, wasting our precious time when we could be happy with someone else in a good relationship.
Having a relationship is simple.
Having a good relationship is also simple – but not easy.
Because it involves letting the other person play on their own side, and perhaps there isn’t even a court, but a wide green meadow stretching to the horizon. You both can frolic around without feeling confined or fearing that the other person will run away. There seems to be an invisible force that keeps you at the ideal distance from each other, like a magnetic field. The difference from the chain is that nothing binds you to the other person, but something inside you makes you want to be with them.
To achieve this, you need a few things
- Decision: Choose someone who shares your values, attitudes, and ideas. It takes longer, but it’s worth it when you feel that whisper saying you’d rather be with them than anyone else, even during a fucking annoying opera.
- Courage: Be brave enough to maintain your commitment, even when your friends and family don’t support you. Stand by your partner and fully integrate them into your life.
- Vulnerability: Show your true feelings, fears, and sensitivities. Vulnerability is what allows the other person onto your side of the court.
- Communication: Be clear about your boundaries, desires, expectations, and dealbreakers. If you expect someone to read your mind, you’d better be with a magician.
- Respect: Communicate with respect. Respect isn’t just a “feature” you add to a relationship; it’s the result of two people who have rejected many potential partners to be with each other. Both knew what they wanted, and when they found it, they wanted to stay close. They didn’t see the other person as a means to an end but valued them for who they were.
When you find someone who appreciates you for who you are, in good times and bad, you’ve hit the fucking jackpot. While a relationship provides weak security by confining both players to their sides of the court, a good relationship, paradoxically without a court, offers strong security. Who wouldn’t want to be with someone they value in this way forever?
